Chad Rei.
Dear Chad (maybe not, nevermind),
You already know all this, as you've contacted me several times throughout the years. Lastly being around the New Year's 2000, and I've not heard from you since, thankfully.
We met up when I was 16, when I was kicked out of my house. You began physically abusing me shortly therafter. You kept me trapped in a basement apartment. No food, unless your lazy ass was lucky enough to get food stamps. No phone. The one time I could leave, and did, you grabbed a giant butcher knife and stuck it into your arm, and shaved the right side of my hand with it. Knowing I'd be terrified for you (it's in my nature to care), and stay by your side, just so you could trap me again. Thanks for those 8 stitches, by the way. I've got a nice scar on my hand.
Did you know I had to drop out my senior year (senior year!) because you didn't 'trust me' going to school, where guys 'would look at me and flirt with me?' Better yet, do you remember the time you punched me in the face, TWICE, because someone at Godfather's Pizza was looking at me? Yes. When a man would look at me, I would get in trouble for it. When I'd do my hair, I'd get in trouble for it, because damn it, I was trying to make men look at me! You're a goddamned fool.
My throat tightens up and tears well in my eyes when I think about this whole situation. I was so fucking young, and precious, and innocent, and it was completely robbed of me. I don't know who is more to blame...you, for being a monster, or my parents for allowing it to happen. So I say, fuck all of you.
I know you've apologized, but man, I can't forget about it. You awoke a giant, aggressive, mean sleeping monster in me.
For at LEAST two years after I successfully escaped you, I would always watch the door expecting you to come through and kill me. I always watched my back. I started a relationship about six months after I left you, and every time he would take my hand, or kiss me, or hug me, I would look around to make sure you weren't there. How's that for fucked up?
Sincerely,
Jessica
P.S. I heard through the grapevine recently that you are STILL, and always HAVE been, abusing your girlfriends. I hope one takes a shotgun to your head one of these days.
P.P.S. I should have fought back.
You already know all this, as you've contacted me several times throughout the years. Lastly being around the New Year's 2000, and I've not heard from you since, thankfully.
We met up when I was 16, when I was kicked out of my house. You began physically abusing me shortly therafter. You kept me trapped in a basement apartment. No food, unless your lazy ass was lucky enough to get food stamps. No phone. The one time I could leave, and did, you grabbed a giant butcher knife and stuck it into your arm, and shaved the right side of my hand with it. Knowing I'd be terrified for you (it's in my nature to care), and stay by your side, just so you could trap me again. Thanks for those 8 stitches, by the way. I've got a nice scar on my hand.
Did you know I had to drop out my senior year (senior year!) because you didn't 'trust me' going to school, where guys 'would look at me and flirt with me?' Better yet, do you remember the time you punched me in the face, TWICE, because someone at Godfather's Pizza was looking at me? Yes. When a man would look at me, I would get in trouble for it. When I'd do my hair, I'd get in trouble for it, because damn it, I was trying to make men look at me! You're a goddamned fool.
My throat tightens up and tears well in my eyes when I think about this whole situation. I was so fucking young, and precious, and innocent, and it was completely robbed of me. I don't know who is more to blame...you, for being a monster, or my parents for allowing it to happen. So I say, fuck all of you.
I know you've apologized, but man, I can't forget about it. You awoke a giant, aggressive, mean sleeping monster in me.
For at LEAST two years after I successfully escaped you, I would always watch the door expecting you to come through and kill me. I always watched my back. I started a relationship about six months after I left you, and every time he would take my hand, or kiss me, or hug me, I would look around to make sure you weren't there. How's that for fucked up?
Sincerely,
Jessica
P.S. I heard through the grapevine recently that you are STILL, and always HAVE been, abusing your girlfriends. I hope one takes a shotgun to your head one of these days.
P.P.S. I should have fought back.
posted by Model citizen at 10:11 AM
10 Comments:
God dammit that sucks so bad, Jessica. I used to think that hell doesn't exist at all, but when I hear stuff like this I change my mind. Hell exists specifically for people like him. I'm with you, fuck him..fuck'em..fuck'em to death, hell, and beyond!!
Karel, you earned a link in the famous Radio Jessica blog!
Congratulations!
You've got balls of steel yourself, Jessica!
And except for the stitiches, I relate to the rest. :..(
It's ok to grieve,sweetie.I'm crying at this moment because that was so close to my own life. Right before I
moved out I was choked and headbutted in the nose, etc. My nose still isn't quite right from it.
So I relate. :(
Its good that you are getting this poison out. I'm working on it myself, obviously!
And I'm still too afraid of men, if you know what I mean. You seem so brave, to me!I want to love again, but I'm scared. :...(
Thank you for writing this. As much as it hurts. I am getting strength from you. You are helping me.
And you know we all love you here.
You are among friends.
xoxoxoLisa
hey chad your a fuck'en asshole you get off pickin on women hang in there honey and try to stay out of abusive relationship not all men are fucked up
My dear Jessica,
I am hugging you so tightly right now. There is nobody watching, nobody checking on you.
You are warm and safe.
You are strong.
You are free of this sad, weak character and you are surrounded by friends.
So much love, Stuee xxx
Dear Jess,
You have obviously come a long way from the time when you were controlled and abused by a sick man. I am proud of you for that but horrified that it happened.
I am glad you wrote this down.
Big hugs and love, you are a survivor and someday you will feel truly safe all the way to your core.
Much love, Brina
p.s. i hope chad gets better
Hugs from Stueepies, a really cool NYC Taxi Shots blog, Lisa giving me credit, and Sabrina calling me a survivor? This day is perfect! ;)
You are loved!
And it's ok to cry, ain't no shame in it.Remember that.Yours is no disgrace.
It isn't good to keep this crud inside festering, I do know that, if I know one thing.
And if you're helping other women in the bargain,how could it be bad?
It felt so alone to be coming from those experiences.And then to find out you really DO know
what I've been through?I don't feel quite so alone anymore.What an amazing feeling that is!
Hope you're feeling better, sweetie.
xoxoxoLisa
Awww..gentle soul?..you're sooo sweet. I will certainly return the favor =) We're all here for you, darling!! And, for you and all of this great positive connections, I'll be drinking bacardi and coke this weekend ;]
Hugs,
Karel
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